


The Hopeless Are Already Doomed

by TigerMoonBETA



Series: Wishes Don't Do Anything [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, EriSol - Freeform, Fluff, Homestuck - Freeform, M/M, OOC, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pale-Red Vacillation, Quadrant Vacillation, Self-Harm, Stop - Freeform, a little bit, eridan and sollux, i am not romanticizing self harm and mental illness., i try not to, if that wasnt obvious, its not romantic, minor eating issue in chapter 3, or poetic, otp, they solve it quickly, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 14:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3329153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerMoonBETA/pseuds/TigerMoonBETA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he is not there when you wake up.<br/>he is not better.<br/>but maybe he will be.<br/>maybe you just have to want it enough.<br/>and maybe then he will want it too. </p><p> </p><p>a continuation of 'You Can't Do Kismesissitude'. Sollux's journey while trying to help Eridan recover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Angles Sleep Alone

**Author's Note:**

> again trigger warnings.  
> please be careful. 
> 
> I'm writing this bc some people wanted a continuation of my previous oneshot. read it at your own risk- very triggering. so, thank u to those lovely people who support me !! here is ur sad erisol feels

Your name is Sollux Captor. And in the morning he is gone. 

 

Your name is Eridan Ampora. And you have made a horrible mistake. 

You are disgusted with yourself. You let someone see you in your weakest moments. You let your walls down. How could you have been so stupid? 

After waking up next to Sollux, and remembering the events of the previous night, you fled the room. You had to leave. You forgot your glasses. You forgot to put on clothes. You had a blanket half wrapped around you. That's it. You didn't care if anyone saw. You don't think anyone saw. You just had to get out.

The meteor has many unexplored rooms. Well, no longer unexplored, as you have explored them.  
Most rooms are cold  
Most rooms are dark  
Most rooms are empty  
Like your mind. 

But some rooms are empty, dark and warm.  
Some rooms are cold and dark but are stacked high with useless junk. stuff that was maybe once alchemized during the game. that seems so far behind now. 

The room you are in, however, is on the borderline of being cold and being warm. There isn't really any space to be taking up. And only a small amount of light from a ventilation system is creeping in. 

Dust dances in the small ray of light as you repeatedly knock your head against the stone wall. The /thump/ sounds hollower each time. 

Stupid. 

Idiot. 

Overdramatic. 

Worthless. 

Unloveable. 

 

Your name is Eridan Ampora. And you stay in the room all day. And no one finds you. 

 

Your name is again Sollux Captor, and you have been looking for Eridan all day to no avail.  
In the midst of your quest, you stop in a back room. Tucked away in the forgotten corner of the meteor. It has a bed. You are tired.  
You curse quietly and decide to rest.  
What made you think Eridan would be there when you woke up? Saying 'I love you' doesn't fix depression. Telling someone you don't want them to die doesn't stop them from being suicidal. You're aware of that much.  
Your name is Sollux Captor. And by the time you realize you have fallen asleep, you've already woken up. 

 

\----------

Now that you're Sollux again, and you're actually awake, you continue searching for Eridan.  
With no way to tell, and with the unusual quietness of the meteor, you can only assume it's some unreasonable time. like 3 am.  
it's 3 am. 

and at 3:17 you find Eridan.  
he's asleep in a room you could have sworn youd already looked in.  
even in sleep, he looks pained. his eyes are pressed tightly shut and his mouth is pulled into a frown. 

as gently as possible, you lean down and pick him up. at that moment, you realize he has no clothes on. it dawns on you that this means he sacrificed his dignity. he was willing to let his secret get out, as long as he wasn't in the same room when you woke up. this hurts you. he leans into you, and then you can tell immediately that he hasn't been taking care of himself. his cuts look horribly infected and inflamed. Eridan is twice as thin as you. you cautiously wrap your thumb and pinky around his wrist and unsurprisingly they overlap by quite a bit.  
you want to help.  
you want him to stop. 

but you are smart enough to know that isn't a reasonable goal. even if you aren't Aradia, you know these things take time. cold turkey never works. but you're afraid of how many times you will have to walk in and see Eridan hurting himself. 

you carry Eridan back to the room you had fallen asleep in. you have the blanket he took. there, no one will dare to explore, therefore no one will find you. 

you sigh and lay him on one side of the bed. this is going to be hard. this whole situation will be very hard.  
you lie on the other side of the bed, and Eridan's body gravitates toward you and your body heat. 

your name is Sollux Captor. and you don't dare fall asleep. because he might not be there when you wake up.

\---------------

Eridan: Wake Up.

You are Eridan and you have woken up. Your eyes feel glued shut. You blink a few times as the world attempts to come into focus. And it would, if you had your glasses on. But you had forgotten them somewhere. Speaking of unknown places.... where..... where are you?  
You don't know this room. You don't know this bed. You don't know the scent of the troll who is next to you.  
The troll who is next to you?  
In this bed?  
Ah, yes. You do know the troll. The troll is Sollux Captor. And he smells of sex, burned rubber, and... just a rather unpleasant smell in general that would disgust you any other day. That is, if you had time to be disgusted. Because what the fuck are you doing here and why is he here and what happened and

oh

oh yeah  
you  
and he  
yeah

 

not one of your proudest moments.  
you rub your eyes and look up at his face. you almost want to kiss him. he must have found you. he must have cared enough to look for you. you almost want to punch him in the face. you are angry. very, very angry.  
you

eridan ampora  
in  
love  
with

sollux captor? no  
no no no no no

you refuse to believe it.  
and yet the evidence is right in front of you. how could you have been so stupid?  
we've been over this.

you sit up and swing your legs over the side of the bed. you need to get out of this place. so you can never be found by Sollux Captor.  
you stand up and a wave of dizziness hits you like a brick wall. you are practically thrown backward as you topple back onto the bed.

"woah, there. are you okay eridan?"  
you freeze

he's awake. oh shit. 

"yeah, im fine." you sit up and avert your eyes. if he realized you were going to leave, and was angry, he doesn't say anything.

"So eridan," he lisps, a calm edge to his voice

"Would you care to tell me why this situation feels more like a one night stand, than it does a matespritship?"


	2. But He Does Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woo. sorry for Eridan's emotional turmoil. he's a big dramatic baby. but I'm actually still trying to figure out where this is going

Oh god. How do you answer. How are you suppose answer that?

You are Eridan Ampora. And you are probably screwed. Oh god. He's looking at you. You need to answer now. 

"'Cause that's what it is."  
what

"What?"

"You heard me. That's exactly w- what this is." 

That's not what you wanted to say. You didn't mean that. You have to get out.  
He stares at you skeptically and tilts his head, probably predicting your every move. 

You need to get out. 

You spring up, off the bed, and sprint towards the door.   
Of course you're aware that it won't work. You're not stupid. 

Sollux jumps up, and hooks his arm around your midsection. You both fall onto the mattress with a dull thump. 

"So, what you mean to tell me..."  
he starts, not letting you go.

"Is that... the whole thing... last night.... meant NOTHING to you. At all?"

You don't want to lie. You hate lying. You hate being lied to, and you hate lying to yourself. Which is why you choke on your words when you try to answer. That night meant a lot to you. But you don't want to admit it. 

"N- no. Nothin' at all. Why w- would it?" 

\------

Be Sollux. 

You are now Sollux. And you don't believe a word he says. 

"Oh... I don't know Eridan.." You sigh, as you adjust your glasses. You are disheveled. Your hair is a mess, and so are your clothes. 

"Maybe because you're lonely. Maybe because you need someone else. Maybe because you secretly hate destroying yourself. Maybe because you want help. Maybe you don't want help, you need it. Eridan. You NEED to stop. Because what you're doing... I."

You growl in frustration, and let go of Eridan. He doesn't get up, but scoots to the side. You burrow your palms into your eyes and pull at your already messy hair. 

"I don't know Eridan. I don't know how to help you. But I do know you can't continue to do this."

You're tired. You HATE this. You don't know how you feel about Eridan. You just feel hate and anger. You wish troll brains worked like computers You wish you could sit and talk to your bees and explain every pixel of the code and figure out what was wrong. And you hate to treat Eridan like a machine. But sometimes science is more predictable than people. 

"Are you fuckin' serious right now?"

You look up. Eridan looks... angry. 

"Who the FUCK are you, runnin' up and tryin' to tell ME how to liv- ve MY life. It isn't ANY of your FUCKIN BUSINESS SOL! NONE OF IT." 

He hiccups, and you don't need light to know he's crying. You hear the fabric shift, and you guess he's wiping the tears away from his eyes. 

"You can't ACT like you know- w me. You've been my kismesis for how- w long?! I... I mean-"

You stare, dumbfounded. 

"YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHIN ABOUT ME. YOU. DONT. KNOW. SHIT!" 

he heaves, and clearly out of air. his breath shakes and you think he is shaking too.   
all of a sudden, he lunges at you. his eyes glaring and almost animalistic. he pins you down, bearing his teeth as he hisses into your ear. 

"I don't need ANYONE. I can handle myself just fine. So don't fuckin' try and play prince. I don't need any savin'."

Eridan leans away, with likely tears in his eyes, and a grimace. 

"you don't know anything about me Sollux Captor. Stop pretending you do."

Your name is Sollux Captor. And you are going to prove him wrong. 

\--------  
Be Eridan.   
Okay. You 'be' Eridan. But first. 

 

Sollux. Flip Eridan and pin him to the bed. 

You are briefly Sollux Captor. You catch Eridan off guard and pin him.

Now you're Eridan again.   
And how dare he? How dare he act like he knows everything. Like he is better than you?

Because he is better than you. He knows a lot more than you.   
Your earfins flatten against your neck as you snarl. 

"Get. off. a. me. now."

You jerk your head forward, attempting to headbutt him or cut him with your horns. Neither happen, naturally. 

"Eridan." Your name glides off his tongue, unusually calm. His words like honey: sweet, slow, and hard to swallow. 

"I'm not going to let you go until you understand something."

The sweetness in his voice is almost scary. enough so you stop resisting at least for the time being. 

"You think I'm here to hurt you. But I'm not. You think I know nothing about you but..."  
He leans into your neck, which sends a chill down your spine.   
"I know you like red more than black."  
He presses a kiss to your gills.   
"And I know you like kisses more than bites."  
Another kiss, this time on your jawline. You shiver.   
"And I know that hearing me hiss in pain is never as enticing as hearing me moan."  
His lips ghost over yours and he looks you in the eye.   
"And I know that you can't do kismesistude."   
Who is he kidding? You are Eridan Ampora and you can do whatever you want.   
"Not yet atleast. You aren't capable of it."   
He leans away, and it sends an aching pain through your heart. an aching want.

"You hate yourself too much to hate anyone else in the right way. And I know you don't want that. So, if you just admitted you needed help-"

"I don't need help-" 

"Yes you do Eridan!" He cuts you off, annoyed.   
"You need help. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Why are you so afraid to admit it? Think of all the other highbloods. They lived for, what? THOUSANDS of sweeps, just like you might. And you don't think- not once in their pathetic lives- that they asked for help?" 

"W- well...."

"Exactly. So please- admit you need help and then maybe you can go hate someone without worrying me about what you do behind closed doors." 

The quiet that follows is tense. Because you don't want to admit it. You just can't. 

"I- I can't-"

He silences you with a kiss, not short, but just as you begin to reciprocate he pulls away. 

"You can't- what? What can't you do?"

"I can't admit it."

"Admit what?"

"That I n- That I- I need-" 

He rolls his eyes. 

"Do you need help?"

".... no."

"Will you let me help you?"

"no."

"Will you let someone else help you?"

"no."

"Can you help yourself?"

"no." 

"If I make love to you until you can't stand, will you admit you need help?"

"n- wait w- what?!......"

Your cheeks flare and you are now very flustered. He chuckles a little bit then sighs. 

"Is there a reason you don't want to admit you need help?"

"I... I dunno.."

"Then will you please do it so we can stop this pointless argument?"

You think for a moment. Despite his common douchebag demeanor, it seems he genuinely wants to help. 

"I... I... I need help- your help." You whisper. 

"Speak up. There's no shame in saying it."

"I need. I need your help."

"And I think I know where to start."


	3. One, Two, Fifteen

After a bit more arguing, you convince eridan of your plan. eridan also tries to convince you that he can walk to the transportalizer, but his bark proves to be worse than his bite when collapsing after standing up. you drape the small blanket over him, for warmth and security, and eventually make it to his room. there, he sits on the bed, directing you to open certain doors and drawers and to hand him clothes. he sprays a really shitty cologne too, after complaining you both were in desperate need of a shower and smelled like a gym sock. he somehow manages the energy to laugh when you start coughing from said shitty cologne. 

even after brushing up, he still looks very meek. not at all like the eridan you once knew. how long has he been like this? have you not noticed?  
he grumbles when you pick him up, and you reassure him that you will let him walk once the two of you get into a more populated area. 

 

the kitchen.  
or atleast, what would be the kitchen. since you are on the meteor, there are no set names for rooms, since there is no set place to be doing a certain thing. but the room you go to has most of the food compiled from the meteor, and most people eat there. therefore, you find it reasonable to call it a kitchen. or, thats what dave calls it.

you set eridan down and he takes a few wobbling steps, looking injured and in all the wrong ways.

"this aint gonna work. everyone is gonna tell somethin' is up..."  
you glance quickly around, to see who is around. there are most certainly a few trolls around, just not in the kitchen. they lurk a over in other areas, and you are almost positive you can hear karkat yelling at someone. 

"itll be fine. just sit down at the table."

he unsteadily steps out of the doorway, and follows you across the room.  
you were right, karkat is in the middle of a stupid rant, probably at dave.

eridan sits down, and seems to be finally realizing why you brought him to the kitchen.

\------------

you are now eridan.  
and you are not stupid.

you know you need food to survive. you know that if you don't eat, your brain will shrink.  
you are very aware of all of the horrible things that come with not eating.  
you have just forgotten to eat.

it often slips your mind, and has become less of a priority.  
and the thought of eating is a bit foreign.

sollux quickly produces a plate which he slides onto the table infront of you. even if it isn't high quality food, which those higher on the hemospectrum are accustomed to, you have been long exposed to canned food and stale bread. though this food in particular seems more edible, which leads you to believe sollux has been hoarding and hiding the good things to himself.  
you stare at the plate, and drum your fingers on the table.

"i know you don't want to. but, you really should eat. even if its just a little." sollux sits next to you, and crosses his arms.  
why can't you eat this?  
why is it so hard?  
you dont have body image problems, right.  
do you?

no..

you sigh, and pick up a fork. prodding at the meal. inspecting it.  
after a few minutes of dicking around, sollux grunts, and uncrosses his arms.  
you turn to look at him, grateful for any opportunity to put the fork down.  
"im sorry... i dont think i can..." you mutter

he faces you, and instead of saying anything back, picks up the fork. he pierces a piece of food, and then holds the utensil out to you. in turn, you give him a questioning stare.

"just one?"

you reluctantly take the fork. just one? you know this probably bothers him, since two is his favorite value.  
you bite, chew, and swallow.  
it's weird.  
the strange atmosphere has gone away, and sollux sits up a bit straighter. so do you.  
you put down the fork.

"just one."

he leans over, stabs another piece of food onto the fork, and holds it out.

"two?"

\--------------------

you repeat this process for atleast 15 minutes, with a disagreement here and there.  
eventually, you eat slightly more than half of what you were served.

\------------------------

your name is sollux captor (for approximately 3.4 seconds) and your plan was successful. 

____________________________

assuming it has been 3.4 seconds, you are now eridan again.  
after becoming full, and refusing another bite, you and sollux stayed at the table, and talked for a while. you have a feeling this was just time, to let you gain some energy and to able to walk back to your own room.  
that is where you are now.  
your room.   
upon arrival, with sollux naturally, you locked your door, and sat down on your bed. 

"i want to take a shower" you decide, and begin to pull off your scarf.

"slow down there." sollux says, walking over to the bed, and sitting next to you. "i know youre probably feeling a bit better, still not clean, but you really should rest."

"not even a bath? id be sitting down." you protest

"thats acceptable."

\--------------

the two of you strip, it being an understood concept that sollux deems it unsafe to leave you alone, especially in a bathroom. you know you would not trust yourself either. the water is slightly less than scalding, which is just the way you prefer it. sollux argues it is not good for your skin, however, a hot bath is really all you want so he goes with it.  
the two of you slip into the tub, sitting just like you had the one night. his chest against your back, because the two of you just fit like that.   
it brings back bittersweet feelings and you try not to cry. 

"you know, 'm really proud of you" he mumbles, resting his chin on your shoulder.

"heh..." you swirl the water around, and sink down further into the liquid. this conveniently allows you to rest your head on his chest. you look up at the ceiling, and try to avoid looking at your body. "well then thats one of us"

"you aren't proud of yourself."

"no."

he goes silent for a moment, then presses a kiss into your hair.

"thats okay. you will be- in time."

"but how?" how is he going to fix this

fix you?  
is that possible

you think maybe. but there are many problems you have to fix. so many, that its hard to identify all of them.

"we start at one place, then move to the next, then the next, until we solve what is bothering you." he replies

"where do we start?"

"where do you want to start?"

this you had not thought of. for once in your life. your problems have been put into perspective. you have many places to start. many things to work on. just take it one at a time.

"i dont know." you answer truthfully. "where do you think I should start?"

"its not about what i think but..." his thumb barely grazes over your leg before he moves his hand to hold yours. "aside from your physical state, which will heal with time, the mental state is not so easily swayed. and I am in no professional position to tell you what to do."

"is there really anyone who is qualified to be tellin me what is goin on with my mind?"

"rose, maybe. maybe terezi." his suggestion almost makes you laugh

"yeah no. fuck that. that means id have to talk to them about my issues."

"why wouldnt you confide in rose?"

"i just dont like her." 

"but youd confide in me?"

"yeah."

"too bad im not smart like rose..." he picks up a washrag, and gently cleans your face. he scoops up water, and washes your hair. and he's giving you a scalp massage and it feels fucking fantastic and you could just fall asleep right there. youre glad he dropped that conversation.

"so eridan.." he hums, while you practically drool over how comfortable you feel. "instead of working on you, why dont we work on your relationships with the others."

w... what?  
what did he say?

oh god, youre so tired, and you just want to sleep and cuddle up next to him. you dont want to talk to anyone else.

"can we go to bed?"

"if i say yes, promise to agree to my next plan?"

this offer is very tempting, and quite possible. on one hand, you are very tired, and sollux's plans have yet to fail.  
on the other hand, you dont want to talk to the other trolls. or the humans.  
you think that's what he means.  
oh god. you'd have to talk to karkat, and he'd be all up in your business.  
and vriska.

and *FEFERI*

but because you are a sleepy eridan ampora

"yes" you say, hardly realizing what you have agreed to

"then yes."

sollux picks you up, drains the bathtub, and for a change of pace, the two of you climb into a recuperacoon. the green slime, yet to be eaten by gamzee, feels distant but welcoming. and it doesnt take you long to drift off.

\------------------

you are sollux captor. and you know may not be smart like rose. but you know books are smart like rose, and you know how to read.  
you are sollux captor. and you know you are going to help eridan repair his bonds with all 12 of the trolls on the meteor.  
but you have a feeling that the troll he will have the hardest time overcoming, is himself.


	4. Sleep For A Week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry. cute fluff filler chapter w some angst bc i was feeling like it. but it will soon get serious.

You are Eridan, and that night you wake up in a cold sweat.

who are you?  
where are you?  
who is that?

 

what happened?

you sit up sharply, inhale shakily, and exhale just as unsteadily.  
your name is eridan.... ampora. right? youre in your room... in a recuperacoon. the troll that had been cuddling you is sollux captor. and you now realize what you have gotten yourself into.  
you peer anxiously down at sollux. he sleeps soundly, despite your sudden movement. and youre afraid. it will be hell to confront karkat, feferi, vriska, and everyone else. it will be hell to go through that hell, and sollux will give you hell if you dont. because you promised him you would.

oh god. oh god oh god. 

==> Eridan. BREATH.

you can't. you're trying. you're trying to breath but it's NOT WORKING. you thread your fingers through your messy hair, and tug, while wheezing quietly. why cant you breath?  
you never wanted this. you didnt want things to go so far out of your control.  
*FOCUS ERIDAN*  
you cant  
you need to focus.

but the room is spinning and youre all alone and everything is dark and blurry the sopor slime feels heavy on your legs. your body feels numb and tingly. why cant you breath. why cant you move.  
you take your nails and start scratching. you cant... feel it?  
what is going on?  
you dig your nails into the scars on your arms, and legs and everywhere else. even in the dark, the transparent green glow of the slime is turning an ugly grey. from your blood. from your purple blood. and youre bleeding but you cant feel it.

'i need to relax' you tell yourself

you retract your claws, and clasp them together. relax. your bring your knees up to your chest. relax. you close your eyes, and inhale slowly through your nose. even if the air feels dry, you are relieved to be breathing. instead of focusing on it, when the reality of the situation crashes down on you, you chose to focus on the sounds of the meteor. every creak, and shifting of the structure passes through your ears, and helps slow your breathing. and even though all is better, youre still very spooked, and still kind of crying, and wont be able to sleep at this rate.

"Sollux" his name tumbles out of your mouth before you can stop it. he shifts in his sleep, and an emotion flickers across his face, which you assume means on some level he is aware you called out for him. should you wake him up?

\--------------------------

Sollux. Please wake up.

You are Sollux.

"Sollux."

Yes. That's your name.

"Sollux."

Wait. Oh shit, youre asleep.

"Sollux."

You snap awake, and turn towards Eridan. He looks scared. Like he's just seen a ghost.

"Holy shit..." you lisp out, too tired to control it. "Are you okay? What's the matter?"  
he reaches over and wraps his arms around your midsection. your chest is wet. he is crying.

"eridan, woah hey." you snake your arms around him, rubbing circles gently into his back. "ive got you." he starts to hiccup, and its really frightening. in response, your eyes start to water, but you ignore that, by whispering "shhh" into his ear. after a while he calms down, though obviously still shaken up.

"do you want to talk about it?" you ask, in a moment of silence

"no." he squeaks

"okay."

You lay back down, dragging Eridan with you, even more tired than before. Maybe emotionally, but still very tired. You wish you could understand. You wish you knew what you needed. What he needs. What he is going through. You will talk to Rose. You pull Eridan close to you, your size easily overpowers him, so you opt for a lose version of spooning. Even though it's comfortable, you won't go to sleep. You can't afford to be lazy. What if he freaks out again? What if he needs you to be awake. For what seems like hours, but is likely only half, you lie conscious, listening to his breathing. From what it sounds like he's asleep. That is, until he mumbles

"hey sollux?"

"yeah?"

"can you... um.."

"whatever it is, yes."

he's silent for a moment, then says  
"can you like, go easy on me. like, i dont w- wanna talk to fef about this yet, an, i know- w it's gonna be hard but, i dont think im ready to do that."

"of course. we can start slow, with maybe tavros, or nepeta or something."

"... okay."

you assume he closes his eyes, and tries to sleep, because he doesn't say anything else. you hold him closely, and begin to mutter inaudible words into his ear. you remember that helping you fall asleep, and the words that do make it out are things like 'i love you' and 'shhh' and 'go to sleep' and sweet nothings. and you figure eridan needs to hear loving things like that anyway.

\------------------------------  
You are Eridan  
And in the morning, you don't want to get up. You want to stay cuddled up with Sollux and sleep. Because getting up would mean facing your problems. And that's not something youre looking to do. For a few minutes, it works, and you pretend to be asleep. You don't think your (matesprit? moirail?) slept at all. You sigh through your nose, and shift positions. You curl closer to him, ofcourse. Snuggling is good. He runs his fingers through your hair, which inevitably causes you to start purring, and your cover for being asleep is just about blown. 

"eridan." he sits up

"eridan isnt awake." you croak "try again later"

"eridan."

"what?"

"did you do that to your legs and arms last night?"

you look down, craning your neck. you completely forgot about that.

"yeah, m' i guess so."

"you... guess so? eridan."

"what? m'sorry. i didnt mean to. i w- was havin a panic attack or somethin..." you sit up and rub your eyes, facing him

"and you waited until after to wake me up?"

"w- well... i w- was freakin out and couldnt see anythin an-"

he tugs at his choppy bangs, raking his hands down his face  
"FUCK. I shouldnt have fallen asleep. I- should have watched you. im sorry... i didnt..."

"sol. SOL it's okay." you reach out and grab his hands, holding them in your own. "please dont worry about it. it wasnt your fault, an' its really okay. i dont expect you to watch over me all hours of the night like im actually gonna kill myself. i dont expect it, and neither should you."

he stares, a bit surprised.

"ack... okay. yeah... okay."  
you let go of his hands, and he stretches.  
"we should really get up. theres stuff we have to do."

"we dont... have to do anything. frankly, weve got all the time in the universe." you say  
he looks at you funny, raising an eyebrow. you expect him to say 'you cant avoid your problems' or 'they arent going to go away, even if you do' but instead, he yawns, and nods his head.

"yeah... yeah okay."

"w- wait. seriously?"

"well, i guess so. we dont have to do anything, like you said. if you arent feeling up to it..."

you ponder this for a moment. to procrastinate, or not to procrastinate. that is the true question.

"id be okay with restin here all day, considerin you probably w- would be too. since you didnt sleep at all- did you?" you finally ask

"i didnt."

you chuckle, and he smiles, his fangs hanging over his bottom lip and its really cute. you lean over, and kiss the corner of his mouth. hell youre still really tired, and fine with it when he consumes you with a massive bear hug and pulls you down back into the sopor slime.  
it doesnt stress you out.

things like this take time.  
who says youre procrastinating?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao fuck it. im just going with it.


	5. Talking

"Eridan. Get up."

Your name is Eridan Ampora and you have spent what feels like the last 17 years sleeping soundly. You have no idea what time it is. But you **don't** want to get up.

"Eridan. Hey."  
You groan and bat his hand away. However, he insists on bothering you.

"Hey Eridan. I know you're tired," he runs his fingers through your hair and mumbles softly in your ear.  
"But it's time to get up." He presses a kiss on your forehead, and you can feel him smiling against your skin.  
No sense in postponing the inevitable.

"Mmph..." You sigh, and rub the sleep out of your eyes- still hoping to get just five extra minutes.

"Ah. There he is. Rise and shine sleepyhead."

"Agh... Sol you-"

"What?" You can hear the shit-eating smile on his face. "What were you gonna call m-"

You growl and press your palm into him, successfully shutting him up and squishing his mouth closed.

"It's bad enough you're wakin' me up. Don't have to keep flappin' those stupid lips a yours."

"- Hey! Why are you thinking about my lips?" Sollux laughs quietly and removes your hand from his face, gently tugging in a pathetic attempt to get you up. "But..." Groaning, you flip over, and face away from Sollux- hoping to deter him.  
"We seriously have to get up. While I would love to cuddle all day, we really can't."

You sit up, finally, and take in your surroundings.  
The room is considerably lighter, which means it's time to be productive. It means there will be other people walking around the meteor, being productive as well. Other people.  
Who you really don't want to interact with.

"Do we _have_ to get up," you ask, turning back to Sollux and giving him your best puppy eyes.  
"Unfortunately yes, we do."  
You grumble in response, dropping the puppy face. _It's better than arguing_ , you think. But he seems to disagree, as he sighs and looks down into the slime. It's still stained by your blood, which you find to be slightly unsanitary, but can't bring yourself to move. Slime is clean. Why would they let you sleep in it if it wasn't? Besides, it wouldn't be the first time you were practically bathing in your own blood.

"I understand you don't want to get up. That it's hard to confront problems when you could just ignore them. But nothing will get better if you just sleep all day." He sounds melancholy. That wasn't suppose to happen.

"No- I didn't... That's not what I meant S-" You fumble with your words, in an attempt to apologize. However, he simply cuts you off.

"I know you didn't mean it like that" Sollux looks up again, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. "That was a pretty good try though- that puppy face almost got me."

"Really?" You perk up, surprised to find a possible tactic for next time.

"No, not really."

 _Oh. Nevermind._ You frown, very obviously displeased. But if Sollux notices, he doesn't say anything. Why do you have to get up? Who's to say anyone will be around today? Maybe they all just decided to stay in their rooms and sleep. It's not entirely fair. If they can sleep all day, you should be able to as well. What if no one wants to talk? What if everyone wants to talk? What would you even talk about? ' _Oh yeah. Eridan, yeah. What's new with me? Oh nothing aside from the fact I cry when I look in mirrors and can't put clothes on without being in physical pain. And I've completely flopped quadrants with Sol over here- yeah so nothing new._ It sounds almost comical, when you put it like that. There is a lot that could go wrong, and not a whole lot that could go right. _That's it._ You've decided you won't be confronting anyone today.

"What would we even do," you ask dramatically. "It's not like I'm gonna open up to any of those assmuchers about my inner turmoil."

"N- no." He says, his lips twitching downward. "I don't think it would go like that."

You make a satisfied 'hmph' sound, and open your mouth to justify sleeping all day, but he cuts you off again.

"It'd be like small steps. We could just say hi, and make small talk."  
  
"That sounds absurd."

"Let's be real here- when was the last time you had a civilized conversation with someone other than me. And _not_ on Trollian?"

"I-" Holy shit. He's kinda right. "I talked w- with Fef the last time I was out around everyone."

He nods, not buying your bullshit. Your stutter gave it away, you decide, and not the fact that you aren't as good of a liar as you originally thought.

"And look how that ended," he mumbles. "You almost died, and we flipped quadrants. So, I think it wouldn't kill to practice basic interaction. Like the stuff _grubs_ teach themselves."

Wow, that hurt a little bit. And it must have shown, as his rigid features soften. Sollux goes from looking annoyed to looking worried.

"No shit- I didn't mean for it to come out like that. Sorry."

"It's fine. w- whatever." You stutter again, and the 'v' comes out weird. You've fallen back into your old accent. The one you did you best to break.

"No. It's not fine. I gotta get better at controlling my mood swings." He groans, and you can tell he's discouraged. "Fuck. Can we move past that thing I said and go outside?"

Oh no. Oh _**hell**_ no. As previously stated, you've made up your mind. You will not be confronting anyone today. Even if it's about what they ate for breakfast or how the weather is. Fuck no. You need a plan. A better plan. And fast. He starts to stand up, and you know you've got to act.

"W- wait. Sol-" You strain your voice, and it becomes meek and hollow. You do refrain from crying though, because even though you are dreading interaction with anyone other than him, it would feel wrong and manipulative to cry. You just need to keep him in the room. He can't leave because either he'll make you come with him, or you'll eventually follow. "I really don't want to talk to anyone. There are so many more things w- we could work on. 'M not ready for conversation with them. They're strangers to me at this point."

He considers your words, as he sits back down, as turns to you.  
"What would we do? I mean yeah: there's a lot of issues, but- you don't really want me to sit here and lecture you on why it's important not to hurt yourself. Cause I'm not gonna do that. And you don't want me to sit you infront of a mirror and make you tell me 3 things you like about yourself because that's all bullshit. You're pretty smart Eridan. Smart enough to know that." He pauses, and gently cups the side of your face. You find yourself leaning into the touch, though you know it won't get you anywhere. "Yeah, they're strangers. But how are you gonna get to know them if you don't talk to them? And even so, it's not about making friends or finding out what they think of the weather. It's about you, and getting better, and fixing the bridges that are broken."

You don't know how to respond. What even are you suppose to say? This would be the point where you sigh, agree, and follow him out. But you just can't. You already decided. The thing is, you **know** he's right. You're very aware that every word he said was true. Or atleast, to some extent. However, you also know, that won't be able to handle it. The stress is piling up on your shoulders just thinking about it. Forcing self-love is bullshit. Repeating 'I love myself' will only make it slightly less false, but still very false. You can't love yourself. Not yet. And you can't speak to those people. Not yet. Nothing in the world could make you love yourself. Nothing but time-actually. Time and patience, and even then you'd need his help. And you still wouldn't be complete. Christ- he swapped quadrants for you and after making  _love to you_ , you still left in the morning.

"I can't," you squeak. "Not right now. I'm sorry but I just can't." Tears threaten to spill, so you stand up and hurry to the door. You need to be alone. But he stands up too, catches your wrist and pulls you back. There's a silent moment where you lock eyes, and while everything is blurry, you still want to run.

"Why can't you?" Sollux speaks, unusually calmly after a minute.

"I just c-"

"Give me your thought process. Your reasoning. I'm not saying you're wrong. I just want to know why."

You stare, and he lets go of your wrist.

"It's too overw- whelming. I know you're right. That doing nothing won't fix anything, and that lies are bullshit. But I'm too anxious to pretend I care about what they think of me, when what _I_ think of _myself_   is ten times worse."

He frowns. He closes his eyes, and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Eridan. I'm sorry. You know I care about you- but I don't know how to make you love yourself as much as I do. Or at all even."

"I know that," you whisper. "I know it's gonna be hard, but I know I'm not gonna be able to do it without you. Which is w- why you gotta understand that I can't. I can tell it's gonna take time before I can look anyone in the eye. It's gonna take time and a lot of failed attempts. That's how it always happens in history. But that night you found me in the bathroom and-" Your words falter and your face heats up. _God dammit, stop stuttering like a fuckin imbecile._ "I felt loved for the first time in a long time. Even if it was just for a night, and I woke up and refused to believe it. So I'm sorry you have to deal with me, when I can't even decide what I want. But I _know._ I _know_ you don't know what I need. _I don't know_ what I need! I just-" You inhale shakily. "I'm not sure where to start, but I don't think startin with other people is going to help. And I'm sorry I started ramblin'."

You can't read him. His expression is completely blank.

"Okay."

"Okay?" You ask.

"Yeah. Okay. I can deal with that."

"Now what?"

"Why don't you start with me? I'm not a stranger. It's not like you haven't opened up to me before."

"What." You state, dumbfounded. "W... what?"

"Why not? Would you at least be willing to talk to me first? I know we've been doing a lot of talking- but there's stuff we haven't touched. And besides: I think I've been up close and more personal with your dick than I've been with your mental check."

"OH MY GOD-"

He bursts into laughter, successfully cutting you off a third time.   
"Dude holy fuck. I'm sorry- that-" He laughs even louder. "That was uncalled for. I agree." It doesn't seem to be that way, as he's still wiping tears from eyes from laughing so hard.

"So," Sollux says after calming down. "Talk to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this doesn't feel long enough but word count tells me it's at nearly 2,000 words and I don't want to ramble.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is http://www.thegayfuchsia.tumblr.com
> 
> i will start tracking the tag 'thaadao3' for this fic okay


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